Riley Kotlus is 12 years old and in 6th grade. He’s always at school, because school is at home, but he is also an active Boy Scout and member of OCCS swim.
Valentine’s Day is lame.
When you’re a little kid, you get excited about candy, and when you’re older, you can be all lovey-dovey with your girlfriend.
When you’re in the middle, Valentine’s Day is a combination of being forced to give out cards to your whole class and feeling totally weird about it because bros don’t give bros Valentine’s cards.
If you’re feeling stuck celebrating a decades-old baby who has yet to be potty trained, I have a few ideas for how to spruce up your Valentine’s Day.
If you have to give cards, you should give original ones. There are always the store-bought cards, but everyone will be giving those, so here are some originals.
If you’re being forced to give out cards to your whole class, at least don’t give the ones that have “My Little Pony” on them.
They are original, cool, and most importantly funny. If you download them, there are more than one so you can give one to everyone. Note: these cards have the bonus feature of weeding out your overly-sensitive friends.
Option Two: Make your cards. Who’s the best? It’s not your Valentine; it’s you. Let the other people in your life know that they’re a solid #2 in your book because you’ll always be number one.
It will bring a spark of laughter or a red cheek, and it will remind you that you are always first. If your Valentine doesn’t like it, they don’t recognize you’re superior awesomeness, and you should get a new one.
Once you have a card selected, using candy to bribe your Valentine into liking you is an age-old tradition. Listen, it might be a traditional thing, but I don’t see why more people don’t go for the sure thing and buy themselves candy.
I already know that I like me.
Most people just buy heart candy, which you will possibly choke to death on, but whether you’re purchasing candy for your consumption or you want to bribe a girl/guy into liking you, “conversation hearts” may be the cheap option, but they’re not the way to go.
Chocolate is the way to anyone’s heart (okay, my heart). You don’t have to spring for a $250 Chocopologie truffle but definitely, go for the gold level goods, especially if you’re buying for yourself. You’re worth it.
I hope my quality advice helps you out if you’re being forced to observe Valentine’s Day even if you don’t want to. Go and use my good advice.
P.S. I should probably note here that I’ve never had a girlfriend, and my parents say that with advice like this, I will probably die alone.
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